Despite a massive entry about Ben and how I feel about the whole situation only 4 entries ago, I’ve kinda reached a milestone in changing how I feel about the situation. Instead of feeling hurt and upset and angry, I just kind of think he’s pathetic. He’s definitely changed from the person I knew. I see his tweets on twitter and they’re just so fake and he kind of acts like he’s some sort of graphic design celebrity. I also mentioned that he’s blocked me on msn and stopped me from seeing his wall/photos on Facebook, yet still keeps me added. One word: WHY?! I don’t care what he’s doing, infact I even suspected he “dumped” me for someone else, so it’d be no big shock if I saw that on Facebook. And to block me on msn is just dumb. Why not either delete me or just ignore me. I’m not interested in talking to him anyway? I get the impression he thinks he’s “well big” and “well clever” and “well manly”, but really he’s just a little boy. I realise now I’m much better off without him. Some things still definitely sting, but if anything, I’ve now learnt I don’t need to put up with shit in a relationship, because if they do hurt you, they’re going to do it even more in the long run. Nip it in the bud early and find somebody who will treat you right!

♥: Tired
♪: Third Realm – Medicated Machine

So as of writing this (14/05/10), it is 6 months exactly since Ben decided he didn’t want to be in my life anymore.

I really do apologise to anybody reading because I’m well aware of the fact I must sound like a broken record, but hopefully there will be a lot less entries about him now. Everything I feel can be summarised into this entry, pretty much.

I think I’ve come a long way since November. Well, since September, when he first did it. I was virtually inconsolable then, and several people were like “Oh well, get over it.” This is fair enough, if it was a normal break up, yeah, it’d suck and I probably would get over it. But this is very different. It wasn’t a break up. A break up you’re aware of… But this is just total abandonment. The thing is, I’m not that much of a proud person (anyone who has seen me drunk knows I can’t be all that proud), but in a way this has been a totally humiliating thing for me. I can’t describe how much of a prat I felt when people asked me what happened between me and Ben, and I have to say “I don’t know… he just stopped talking to me.” I mean, seriously? What kind of idiot doesn’t know why their boyfriend dumped them? Me. That’s who.

The most humiliating part of all is just after he cut me out for the first time. I believe now that he had intended that to stick, thinking I wouldn’t visit him at work to find out what the hell was going on, so he kept up a premise until he left for Essex. After wanting to get back together properly for a while, and coming close to losing him, I made the gesture of getting back together. I can’t tell you how nerve wracking that was, putting my cards on the table like that. And it makes me furious that he went along with it, knowing full well he was going to do it again a month or so later. He let me go and tell all my friends we were back on track and back together, he discussed coming back to visit once a month, exchanging Christmas presents, making sure I informed him if I got admitted back to hospital, even the last time I saw him, his parting words were ‘see you soon’. Seriously, why bother if you had no intentions?

What saddens me most of all, is not the fact he took away our relationship, but the fact he took away his friendship. Even if he didn’t want to be with me anymore, and realistically, I don’t think he wanted to be with me after the first two months of our relationship, I would have been upset, of course, but I would have still wanted him as my best friend. Even now, I still maintain he was the best friend I ever had. I never felt that comfortable around anyone else, and I loved the fact I didn’t even need to try. I sincerely think that I will never have that with anyone else. I thought that friendship wise, he felt the same way, and the thing that upsets me most is that he apparently doesn’t even care – everything I offered, be it friendship, romantic feelings, means nothing to him. How can he not feel even the tiniest amount of guilt? From my understanding, every girlfriend he had prior to me treated him like shit. You’d think he’d know what it feels like to be in my situation and would try not to put another person in it. Perhaps that’s where I went wrong? Maybe if I had treated him like shit, he’d have worshipped the ground I walked on, too. He always made sure to let me know how much he cared for them, and took even greater detail to make sure I knew I didn’t compare. Before we got together, he was aware of the fact I had low confidence and self esteem. I often wonder now if he purposely took advantage of that. I often felt he was ashamed of me.

For the majority of our relationship, I see now that to him, it was just sex to him. I should have realised that when after two months, he couldn’t give me a compliment without asking for one – he made sure to give plenty to every girl he openly flirted with in front of me though – including telling me how gorgeous his ex girlfriend looked in her msn display picture, whilst I was sitting right next to him. I should have realised even fucking quicker when 8 months into the relationship, when he had gone back to Essex for the summer (3 months), I asked if he missed me. He said “kind of.” Followed by “I miss everyone in Norwich.” – I should add at this point he did come up to Norwich several times… to see his friends. He had no time to see me. I should have known, when a year into it, I asked if he loved me, and he outright admitted he never did. There are so many other spiteful stories that I could tell, but considering I can barely see the monitor with so many tears in my eyes, and pride getting in the way, I’ll keep them to myself. These are the things that stick with me the most… and even now, what makes me cry the most.

Despite everything to be bitter about, I am most bitter about the fact that he kicked me when I was down. When he decided I was no good for him anymore, I was going through a rough patch; everything that could be going wrong in my life, was. He knew that… he knew he was the only one I was depending on and he just decided to let me topple anyway. Had I decided to do something stupid, and I often thought about it, would he have even cared?

I think to a certain degree, he is aware of how he has made me felt. He’s still got me added on Twitter and Facebook (though he has blocked me from viewing anything. It is like viewing the profile of somebody on private, despite being ‘friends’ on there) and I assume msn, but on block (pathetic!), and the sickening thing is… I think he enjoys the fact I’m unhappy. Clearly he’s not going to put me out of my misery any time soon. Besides, through all of the bad things that happened in our relationship, things that were his fault too, he always blamed other people, me, situations, anything but himself. I realise now how incredibly selfish he is. At this point now, I don’t think I’d want to know why he did this. Because I don’t know what happened, part of me blames myself (what else can I do, if I have nothing else to blame?), and I think any reason he gives now will make me feel even worse about the situation than I already do. It’d just knock me back further. I don’t think there’s any winning in this situation. I really wish I could let go of it, but I really, really can’t. I’m kind of stuck in the middle really. I can’t let go of everything I feel towards him, yet should he ever want to come back in my life, I couldn’t forgive his cruelty. Contradictory to this, if he ever got back in touch, wanting to meet up, I think I would do it, purely because I am incredibly curious of how he would act towards me. Part of me thinks he’d play the sympathy card. Part of me thinks he’d be one hundred percent unapologetic. All of me knows this will never happen.

Even though I said that part of me blames myself, my self esteem has been knocked, and I put my hands up, fully admitting that I wasn’t perfect in our relationship. I did stupid things, but I admit that, and I am sorry for that. But none of those things compare to this, and I cannot think of one single thing, or even multiples of things I have done, that would add up to me deserving this. I did not deserve this. I did not deserve to be treated the way I was and I don’t deserve to feel how I feel now. Nothing will change that now.

I hope he’s happy in the knowledge that in some ways, dramatic as it sounds, he’s ruined my life. After having not one, but two boys (they do not deserve the title of men) cut me out, how the hell am I supposed to let myself get close to anyone without the perpetual fear that they’ll inevitably leave? How am I supposed to even have somebody interested in me, when all I can think is what kind of game are they playing with me. Let’s face it, one has done the Mr. Player game, and the other liked to hurt me on purpose, just to see how I’d react. How can I tell anyone I love them, knowing that the only person I ever said that too, ignored it and didn’t even care. Anyone I did end up with would need the patience of a saint, and quite frankly I don’t think anyone would deem me worthy enough to be that patient for.

With this said, I still wish nothing bad on Ben. I resent the fact he’s so happy despite what he’s done to me, but I wouldn’t want to hear of anything bad coming his way. The only thing now that I could wish for, and the only thing that would be a catharsis to me would be to know that one day he woke up feeling so incredibly guilty for what he did, he’d feel a fraction of the pain I’m feeling now. I hope one day he’s mature enough to be sorry.

Happy 6 months.

♥: Numb
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