Archive for October, 2007

I think this is the most active half-term I’ve had.
Sunday: AILD & mini-photoshoot with JenVy (one of the photos from her shoot to the left.)
Monday: Sleep & editing photos.
Tuesday: Went shopping with Mama B – bought a coat & new boots.
Wednesday: Sleep & playing Bioshock.
Thursday: Went shopping and for a meal with Papa B.
Friday: AILD & drinks at the Woolpack with Kayleigh.
Saturday: Copious amounts of reality tv.

But in all seriousness, it doesn’t sound like much, but for a lazybum like myself, it’s a lot. 

Tomorrow is my first day back at sixth form since I fell ill in August.

…Aces.

STILL. I’m doing it for the money. I just have to keep remembering that, and also that Monday is the longest day for me. If I ignore Monday and Tuesday, this week isn’t going to be so bad. Wednesday (Halloween) evening, I’m going to be going out for a few drinks with Kayleigh & Nick, and then on a ghost walk (hopefully, anyway). Thursday I’m going to an open day at the Norwich School of Art and Design (NSAD), and then Friday I finish school at 11, and then I’m meeting Lolly to take the third set of my photos for my “As I Lay Dying” photo series. I still need to find my fourth and final model though, since the other girl who volunteer’d (and was probably only in it for the free mini-shoot I was giving away to say thanks) has blocked me from contacting her, and won’t get in touch with me either… :/ Her loss, I guess.

Somebody has bummed me out without even doing anything. I think I’d fallen for him harder than I realised…
…Yeah, just a dream…

♥: A whole multitude of things.
♪: Avenged Sevenfold - I Won’t See You Tonight, part one.

…Oh the Scottish accent.. *FAP*
Leon Jackson is quite the fitty, too. I wouldn’t kick him out of bed for making biscuit crumbs.

My hair looks really good today.

♥: Good.
♪: Timbaland – The Way I Are

…When did I start giving a crap about my education?

I can’t believe how upset/worried I got/am about uni. I can’t beat myself up about getting sick. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be. I just wish I knew what the future had in store for me. I’m all for change, but I’m uncomfortable with it if I can’t control it. I just have to be willing to accept what life throws at me, I guess.

Anysnootch. No more snivelling in the journal, because it’s pathetic and nobody wants to read it, lulz.

I’ve been working on my essay for photography most of yesterday + today, and now I’m almost done. I just have to write about the style of photography I’m looking at, add a few influences, that jazz, but as of right now my brain has turned to mush, so I’ll save that for tomorrow. In Word’s “book” format, my essay looks rather impressive. It’s a shame I don’t know how to print out my essay so it looks like that. :/ It also looks like I’ve written more, lulz.

Also, I continually have to remind myself how awesome O-Zone is.
It’s a shame they had to split up really, I love their songs that always involve texting, and the singing format of Arsenie > Radu > Dan. *sigh* Cheese at it’s finest.

With that said, if they didn’t split up, I’d never have got solo-Arsenium, or Crazy Loop, so it all goes back to everything happens for a reason. Hyuk hyuk hyuk, see what I did there. But really. Dan Balan has a lovely singing voice. I just can’t take to his rock stuff, though.

♥: Can’t complain.
♪: O-Zone – Despre Tine

So yesterday Scottish Paul and I were comparing fitties. Of course, my current favoured fitty is Lee from Deal or No Deal, and I couldn’t help but laugh when I showed the pic of Lee in my previous entry to Paul, and he said “You really do love your Sam Robertson hair, don’t you?” and it dawned on me, he’s absolutely right. I’m 95% certain the bloke I’ll end up with will have hair like that.

It’s like I hold Sam Robertson (right) on some sort of a pedestal as my ideal man, and I compare any bloke I’m attracted to, to him. If they don’t match up, then they’re out.

This either makes me really determined, or really stupid.

♥: Queasy.
♪: Ranma ½ – Tatewaki Kuno, Age 17.

I finally got round to watching Lee’s game of Deal or No Deal this afternoon, after spending many weeks oggling that pretty, pretty boy.

The poor love only got 10p!

It’s okay Lee, I still love you and your sexy hair, even if you’re not loaded.

Had to re-download Teh Demo. It’s buggy and crashes alot, and if it were up to me I’d have the game a little slower, as it’s a bit too fast IMO, but yeah it’s not bad. The graphics are gorgeous, and I’m glad it’s not as floaty as UT2k4. Nothing beats ‘99 though.

Also, FTP works again. FINALLY. *hugs FTP*

♥: Itchy.
♪: Third Realm – Revolt

2 hours and 40 minutes until I can play the elusive UT3 demo.
Not only can I play it, but I can play it on our brand new PC, complete with a quad-core motherboard, and brand spanking new GeForce/nVidia card. I don’t remember which one it is, exactly, but in other words, I’m able to play this demo with all the settings up full. Yeaaaaahhhh. As far as I’m concerned, my involvement in “the drama” is over, things are cool between me and the people who concern me, and I’m also eating my first lunch since I got ill. Win.

However that’s where my happiness ends. The more I think about this upcoming open day, the more panicy I get about it. Like I said, I don’t know why I’m even bothering. I won’t get the grades, I’ll mess up my interview, and my portfolio (and all of my photography) is shit. If, by some stroke of luck, I do manage to get the grades and get in, I’ll probably struggle (as I’m not academically smart) and drop out and leave myself with a ton of debts that I’ll never be able to pay off because I’m too crap for work, and basically, yeah, I’m having a mid-life crisis at 18.

I don’t know what I want out of life. I’m either not willing to work for things, or I deem stuff ‘not good enough’ for me. I’m only average at photography, and I certainly doubt I could make a career out of it, or working in media. I’m too self-conscious to work in tv/film, and the thought of doing anything else, frankly, bores me. And that’s just work, the stuff that doesn’t even bother me much. I’m also completely and utterly convinced I’m going do die old and alone, having never experienced marraige and/or kids, because I’ll never, ever settle for anybody. Anybody I want is either out of my league, beyond my reach, too ugly or just not what I’m looking for. Yes, maybe I am asking for too much, but is it so bad that I want my ideal person? BUUUUUUUUUUUH. That bums me out more than anything. I’m going to be a SPINSTER. Also, I want to leave Norwich, but scared I won’t be able to cope on my own. I can’t afford London, and Scotland seems too far/away and scary. I just… don’t know my place anymore. Why I’m on this planet. What I’m supposed to be doing. I’m pretty sure I’m not supposed to be on this planet to snap at people and constantly feel like shit, that’s for certain.

Also I’m grumpy/weird/upset because I pushed away the person I care about the most and I think I’ve pushed them too far away and now I’ll never get them back and it honestly feels as if part of me is missing.

Also, I’ve decided I’m the fugliest person in the world. Yes.

K. Rant over, but it is genuinely how I feel.

2 hours and 16 minutes.

EDIT: I did NOT just spend 4 fucking hours downloading the UT3 demo, to have the download box just shut down when it was (allegedly) completed, and then have fucking nothing to show for it. Stupid shitty laptop. Stupid shitty vista. STUPID SHITTY LIFE. 

♥: I don’t bloody know.
♪: TWO-MIX – Silent Cruising

All work and no play makes Jemi a dull girl.
All work and no play makes Jemi a dull girl.
All work and no play makes Jemi a dull girl.
All work and no play makes Jemi a dull girl.
All work and no play makes Jemi a dull girl.
All work and no play makes Jemi a dull girl.
All work and no play makes Jemi a dull girl.
All work and no play makes Jemi a dull girl.
All work and no play makes Jemi a dull girl.

See those pictures? See that writing around it? That’s my notes and analysis of those photos. See that text, with the highlighted bits? Yeah, that’s my notes on what should be a 500 word introduction. In other words, I’m doing too much work on a dissertation that’s probably not even going to be very good.

So. I got my results today from the doctors. My chest x-ray was fine, my blood count is normal, my liver isn’t failing, all in all, I’m apparently ok. Well let me tell you, the thought of going back to school doesn’t make me okay. Infact it makes me itchy. It’s not school though, to be fair. It’s ICT. I hate ICT. Why did I pick ICT? If my school wasn’t so incompetant and let me do my damn ICT GCSE, then maybe, just maybe, I could have done something FUN. Like Film Studies. Yeah.

Also, I booked Kayleigh and myself a place at the Norwich School of Art and Design’s next open day, today. I go 1st November, for a talk and a look around the institute. AKA,  I get frightened and intimidated by those around me, and feel uncomfortable in my surroundings. Looking through the prospectus though, I had two surprises. The first one, was the maintenence grant. I get £2,800 (ish) a year for studying, plus a £550 bursary. Win. The second shock was that I have to pay £3000 for my tuition fees. Sorry, WHAT? Nononono. I’m staying in NORWICH. I shouldn’t have to pay FEEs. If I wanted to PAY for an education and all that jazz, I would have looked at other Unis.

……..So I did. Edinburgh College of Art, to be precise. It’s half the price of NSAD (if you ignore the accomodation stuff…), AND is in the land of the fitties. Double win. On the downside though, no Kayleigh. No anybody. Just me… and the Scottish.

Bah. I don’t even know why I’m worrying. I’m not gonna get the UCAS points to go, either way. >(

I want to see Rammstein live. And I miss Scottish Paul like stupid-crazy.

♥: Grumpy now. Bah.
♪: Rammstein – Feuer Frei!

I decided to keep the laptop.

I need a USB hub and a vista-ready bluetooth dongle though. Then, THEN I’ll be happy.
My mum made me watch Strictly Come Dancing with her.
I don’t mind though, because secretly I like reality TV.
This year on Strictly Come Dancing, Matt di Angelo (Deano Wickes in Eastenders) is one of the contestants. I always wanted to marry Matt, purely for his last name. And then like, divorce him a year later. But I was watching him on the program yesterday and he’s actually not bad looking. When he smiles, he’s quite the fitty. I think it’s the stubble.
…I still think it’s just an attraction to his last name though, personally.

♥: My eyes hurt.
♪: Tenchu – Add’ua

Turns out she didn’t tell him. I talked about it assuming he knew. He didn’t. Whoops.

Anygays. Went to the doctors yesterday. Apparently I’m improving (ha!) and no longer require seeing him. I also went and got my blood tests (the bruise on my arm is huge and nasty) and my chest x-ray, where some old man perved on me when I was wearing nothing but a hospital gown from the waist up. He gave me a smile as if to say, “HRHR, I know you have no clothes under there, young lady.” I shall recieve the results mid-week.

Also, my PC decided to snuff it this afternoon. I’m not entirely sure why, and I’m not entirely sure why it refuses to be revived either, but I’m going to say it’s well and truely fuxx0red. After speaking to my dad about saying how I wouldn’t mind a laptop, he’s currently given me his on a test run. I’m not sure whether I like it. :/ While I suppose it’s more convenient, and better for editing photos, it’s so painfully slow!! Plus being hunched over is probably going to cause problems somewhere along the line.

I have until tomorrow to decide whether I want to keep the laptop. Hmm.

♥: Decisive.
♪: 2 Bullet – Humankind

Okay… in summary.
I got my talk. I got the answers I was expecting. Not the ending I wanted, but not completely tragic either. Things seemed to be relatively resolved. He calls Louis, tells him I’m pissed. Louis apologises. Things kick off again. Things probably won’t be resolved for a while. People are lying. People are lacking in morals. People are getting stuck in the middle. People get the wrong end of the stick. People make mistakes. People make accusations. People jump to the wrong conclusions. Either way, it’s the most bizarre, farfetched, stupid situation I’ve ever found myself in the middle of.

On the upside, I’ve finally found an artist I want to do my photography dissertation on, Izima Kaoru. Basically, he takes Japanese models (and sometimes musicians, such as Mika Nakashima. *__*) and asks them how they’d like to die, and then recreates them in an elegant way. It’s usually fashion related, too. Example is above/to the right, depending on how this entry lays out once I hit publish. I talked it through with my photography teacher and he’s more than happy for me to do this, so that’s one stress factor taken away. I really must do my ICT work tomorrow, though.

♥: Tired.
♪: Madness – Our House