Archive for May, 2008

Avast.

I actually had a very quiet birthday. Seeing as it (unfortunately) fell on a bank holiday, I figured nowhere would have been open, and therefore have made plans to celebrate it tomorrow (whether anybody will come is another thing entirely.) I have no problem with celebrating my birthday later… except many people (who I know personally) failed to remember my birthday or acknowledge it in some way (including those who KNEW it was my birthday) so I ended up spending a great deal of the day feeling very lonely.

BUT ANYWAY! Gifts.  Gifts included a couple of new tops, £150, King of Queens season 2, Duane “Dog” Chapman’s biography, Ghost perfume and a beautiful ring from my dad, which can be seen in the photo on my left. (I probably could have just shown a photo of the ring, or resized it, but whatever. I like the photo. Also I have dyed my hair black again. I’m thinking of getting extensions and having some bitching good hair, since it’s taking too long to outgrow naturally).

When I think about it some more, I actually feel very, very alone.

♥: Lonely.
♪: Blaqk Audio – The Love Letter

Happy birthday to me…

I saw Ben yesterday, and I think it’s safe to conclude things are coming to an end.

I gave him his birthday presents (from nearly a month ago… just goes to show how often I see him really, and you could argue whether or not he deserves them, but I want him to have them) and watched a movie. He just kind of acted as if nothing was different, almost oblivious to the fact that it was the last time we would see each other for the next month and a half. As I got up to leave, I told him as I tried not to get emotional that I’m doing this to fix things, and fundamentally we were okay and good together, but all he could say was “I’m not Mystic Meg, I can’t predict the future.” Which… sums up his enthusiasm for the relationship really.

It won’t be the last time I see him, he lent me a DVD which I didn’t ask for, I think it was to say “I’ll be needing to see you again to get this back, so this isn’t goodbye forever” type of thing, but I am not feeling optimistic about things, and currently feel stupid for putting my all into a relationship in which he was giving half. I also feel pretty dumb for thinking there was only a minor flaw in our relationship, when actually it was much more broken and I feel as if nothing I can do can piece it back together. Some people may say it’s time to let go, and that I should have done sooner, but… I just can’t. Without sounding like a bunny boiler, I just don’t want to be without him. The thought of him getting over it and being with someone else makes me feel physically sick. I reason that a little bit of hurt has got to be better than the pain of finishing with him fully.

I don’t know. It’s not a definitive break up, and he’s probably not being upbeat to get my hopes up incase he decides otherwise, but I’m not holding my breath.

♥: Crushed.
♪: Pure Reason Revolution – In Auriéla

So as of this evening, Ben and I are on a break.

If I’m honest, I can’t say I’m entirely surprised. Things have been a bit up and down for a few months now and things got increasingly bad after the birthday fiasco. I think my attempts to try and fix things made things worse and we needed to draw a line in the sand. From the word go, our relationship was always doomed to have a bleak outcome; he graduates from uni in a few weeks, and with me about to attend the same uni he’s just graduated from, it means theres less flexibility as to how we could have kept our relationship as it were. However, the closer to the end of uni he gets, the more distant he became, setting off chain reactions at every corner. He admits I deserve so much better and is more than surprised I haven’t ended it yet, and although I’d seriously thought about it at times, I told him I’m a fighter and for as long as I believed there was an us, I’m not going to just let things end. I think up until that point he was considering ending things, but it made him think differently.

We’re still essentially still together; it’s not going to be a Ross & Rachel type of break, as he’s not interested in anybody else and we’re going to still speak as normal, we’re just not going to see each other for a couple of months, and then when things have a sense of normality again we’ll talk again and see how to take things and go from here.

I can’t help but wonder if through trying to fix things I broke them more, causing the breakdown of my relationship, though he told me not to think like that and it’s nothing I’ve done, but I still think it may not have come to this had I just grinned and beared it better, though for other reasons which I can’t talk about here in fear of it some how getting around, it may be for the best. After all, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I’m going to see him one last time on tuesday.

♥: Crushed.
♪: Limp Bizkit – Eat You Alive