Archive for November, 2009

So I’m pretty pissed off right now.

Ben was leaving on Sunday, and I was supposed to be seeing him on the Friday for the final time before he left for Essex. For a few days before I was supposed to be seeing him, he had been in Wales visiting his brother, who was going  to drop him back reasonably close-ish to Norwich on the Friday, and then me and Ben would meet up. I text Ben whilst he was in Wales, nothing of relevence really, but considering I was supposedly his girlfriend at the time, it warrented a reply. Nothing. Which put me off bothering texting him anymore whilst he was in Wales, he obviously had no interest in talking to me. Didn’t hear anything from him until around 4:30pm on Friday saying he and his brother were delayed, but were on their way back, and we’ll go out to dinner when he gets back into Norwich. He texts me again at 7:30pm saying to meet up at 9:30pm. I was kind of disappointed that I was only seeing him for a few hours but still…

I go round there for 9:30pm, where he proudly announces that he had already eaten with his brother, and was too tired to go out. Myself, on the other hand, hadn’t eaten all day due to the fact Iwas under the impression we were supposed to be going for a meal. So how did we spend our last night together? Watching TV for 2 hours, before going to bed. He didn’t ask once if I was okay, even though I was visibly upset/angry about this.

He basically spent the morning packing stuff up and getting ready for work. I walked with him to work when he just gave me a kiss and said ‘See you soon’. There was no discussion about where the ground lies with us, no tenderness, no nothing. He was just so blasé about the whole thing entirely.

Since I last saw him, I haven’t heard anything from him. I know he’s been busy and it hasn’t been that long, but no texts, no nothing. Even though I tried texting him, he just ignored it. So.. I’m pretty much assuming that’s the way it’s going to be from now on. So much for always wanting me in his life, and to carry on being in contact with me. Because let’s face it… if he couldn’t be bothered to reply to a text whilst he was visiting his brother… couldn’t be bothered to put in any real effort for the last time I’m supposedly seeing him whilst he’s in Norwich… can’t be bothered in Essex, what bloody chance have I got?

Like always when it comes to him, I’ve come last. But that’s nothing new – I always have. It’s not like I’m asking for much, does it really take that long to reply to a text? To see how I’m doing? So much for being my best friend.

And yeah… I’m feeling pretty damn rejected. But again, that’s nothing new.

♥: Rejected.
♪: Pure Reason Revolution – Les Malheurs

Because I haven’t posted a picture of myself in a while, this is currently how I look.

Currently I am doing an all-work, no play with Uni work and I’ve offically burnt myself out and don’t want to do anymore. So a procrastinating entry ensues… and then I’ll have to start actually doing work again after. -____-

As of right now, this is my idea of a perfect night in:
 - One of my dad’s homemade tandoori curries and onion salad, watching crap on the telly.
- A nice hot bath with anything lavender in it.
- Slip into bed with a hot waterbottle and super cosy pjyamas.

Maybe I’ll treat myself to that once I get all my work done~!

♥: Procrastinating.
♪: Pure Reason Revolution – In the Realms of the Divine

The other day, I went downstairs to make some soup.

Two of my housemates are in the kitchen when I start to wash up a saucepan to use, one leaves and another starts using the cooker. I put the pan down to one side and start fiddling about with my food cupboard, patiently waiting for the other to finish cooking. Instead, he takes the saucepan he just saw me wash up, and starts cooking with it.

…:|

♥: Hungry
♪: Britney Spears – Oops! …I did it again.

So, at the end of September, I mentioned that Ben had cut me out, and I was devestated about it. I never mentioned what followed after that, and it’s conclusion, alas…

A very good friend of mine works with Ben, and he gave me the times of when Ben was next working, so I stopped by his place of work and basically asked him what was going on and why he cut me out. Obviously we couldn’t talk properly as he was meant to be working, but he was very apologetic, and what it all boiled down to basically is that he was getting extremely stressed out with the course he was doing and he took it out on me. Lo….  l. How sweet. Still, at this point I was so desperate to get him back in my life, I forgave him. We made arrangements to go to the cinema to see ‘The Invention of Lying’ the next day (Sun 4th Oct) and then went back to his place where we … “made up” properly, lol. Which also dispells my original thoughts that he was perhaps seeing somebody else.

A fortnight later, I offered to cook for him at mine and have him spend the night, and… I decided to bite the bullet and ask him if he wanted to get back on Monday 18th Oct. He told me that he was moving back to Clacton at the end of November, but even if it was for only a week that we were officially back together, he’d still want to do it. We had 6 weeks, so I thought it’d be enough, at least, and maybe even carry on seeing each other when he moved back to Clacton, which is only an hour and a half away from here, staying at weekends or something, until he starts his internship, assuming he gets it.

…Buuutt apparently not. Ben broke it to me yesterday that he leaves next week, to go back home. The long distance plan has also gone out of the window as he will be working full time, and basically won’t have the time to come up here and see me. And whilst if he gets the internship, he’ll be in Clacton until next summer, I’ll probably only see him a few times, if that, before he goes to Birmingham in which case it will be once or twice a year I see him. I knew he was going soon but…. our plan was that we had 3 weeks left. I know he can’t help work wanting him to start sooner, and it’s not his fault he can’t afford to carry on living in Norwich, and I certainly don’t want to hold him back on his career, but it just feels so unfair. I get him back, and we finally get our relationship back on track, and now he’s going again, and it feels like it’s me who’s the only one missing out.

He says he always wants me in his life, and he’s not interested in anyone else… but I’ve heard it all before. If he can ignore me when he’s in Norwich, what the hell am I meant to do when he’s in Clacton or Birmingham? It’s not like I can go visit him at work and ask what’s going on, and I dunno. Releastically we cannot carry on seeing each other now, and it’s not fair to ask him wait around for me until theres a time when we can work out, but I just don’t want to give him up. I know I have many other great friends, but he is my best friend and he’s also my boyfriend, and i didn’t realise until now that I do love him.

I know they say everything happens for a reason, and if we’re “meant to be”, then we’ll sort it out at a later date and we will be. He says no other girl will ever compare to me and whilst I agree whole heartedly… I dunno. I’m not feeling so confident.

I just wish this entry had a happier ending.

♥: Glum
♪:  RYONAI feat. BLF - Vinet