Hello, long time no post.
I’ve been “busy” doing things with life. By busy I either mean doing nothing at all, or getting ridiculously stressed out over various aspects of life. During which time, I have had a server change. I want to take this time to thank Chad for all his hosting, and for continuing to pay for the domain name slave-riot, and also a thank you for my current host, Warren, for not only taking me on, but meeting my new demands of a new layout (finally, though I still need to put my touch on the header), which I can finally add pages to; so when I get a free moment, a small bio will come, along with a dramatis personae and probably something else I find witty and amusing, but nobody else will.
So since December… not much has happened really, I got sad that Kristian Digby died, I had more tests to see what makes my kidneys still carry on to hurt, I bought a new TV (Full HD 32″ Samsung, for those who are interested in that type of thing), I drifted aimlessly, I felt like a failure, in someways I became a failure, and I also made some plans for my future. None of which I can reveal yet, but already I feel like a big weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Whilst I have so many things I need to sort out within my head, I feel like I can breathe now, and actually fix them, bit by bit.
It’s been pretty much 4 months exactly since Ben decided to cut me out. I still don’t know why, and that continues to frustrate me everyday. At 2 months shy of it being almost half a year since it happened, you’d think I’d be over it by now, but how can I be? Ben was my lover and the best friend I ever had for 2 years, which is a long time even if it doesn’t sound it. 530 days, 12,720 hours of knowing somebody, of talking to them almost every single one of those 530 days, and then suddenly not having them anymore for no reason. At the risk of repeating myself, I didn’t do anything wrong, so I don’t think I am to blame, but when you don’t know the real reason, all you can do is blame yourself. And I do. I blame myself every single day, because I don’t know any better. I’m just so sad that my friendship meant nothing to him, and he doesn’t feel remotely bad for deciding to do a runner on possibly the worst ‘era’ of my life to date, or for all the horrible things he put me through, but I still stuck by him for, or by chosing to respond to me telling him I loved him for the first time by cutting me out all together. If that’s not going to emotionally stunt me for life, I don’t know what will.
I once described him as one in a million, because he was the man that made me. Now I say he’s one in a million, because he’s the person that broke me. I am making a conscious decision to not let somebody get that close to me again, because they all walk away in the end, and I am left to pick up the pieces. But anyway. Theres no point in talking about it no longer, part of me still writes about it in hope that he will read this one day and maybe, just for a second, feel guilty that I have to live with feeling rejected every single day, when I don’t deserve it.
In more current news, I have been playing a lot of Assassin’s Creed II as of late, I am searching for the perfect pair of “aubergine” curtains for my bedroom, I enjoy talking in simple sentences as it makes me feel more in control, I like watching a double bill of Two and a Half Men, followed by South Park, and I waxed my eyebrows today and they look really really good.
Hopefully my next update won’t be so all over the place, I had 3 months of inner angst to catch up on.
♥: Headachey.
♪: 30 Seconds to Mars – The Kill
