It’s not cancer.
My appointment at the hospital was messed up so I wasn’t able to see the consultant. But I was assured that it is nothing sinister. I’m going up next week to see him and talk to him properly about it then.
♥: Creative
♪: Evanescence – The Only One (Alan Farias Remix)
So, as you may have deducted from the photo of my dodgy lookin’ foot (i’m pretty certain it’s the angle), I’ve had my op.
The op itself was horrible. I had to have two injections of local anaesthetic before the op began and considering I’ve had renal colic which is meant to be worse than childbirth, the two injections came a very, very close second. That was probably the worst part of the operation, but I’d psyched myself up about it so much, I couldn’t stop shaking. I was convinced I’d be able to hear a ‘crunch’ as the toenail came off, and could feel it, but I couldn’t feel a thing. They placed forceps on my toe to see if I could feel it, and I felt absolutely nothing, it was amazing. I bet the surgeon had a fun time with my exceptionally sweaty foot though. After the op I was still shaking so badly I was made to have a cup of coffee and something to eat to try and calm myself down. I was still shaking though for about three to four hours afterwards though.
I took the bandages off the next day and was expecting my toe to look a mess, but apart from the injection marks, my toe looked really nice and neat. I couldn’t see the stitches and the horrible black pigmentation was toe. It was just like how it used to look pre-gammy. Ahh.
I will be finding out the results of the biopsy tomorrow. I really, really hope that it’s good news and I can put it behind me now.
Apart from that, I haven’t been up to much. I helped to move all the stuff from the old pharmacy to the new one over the weekend. It looks a lot neater, but its much smaller and we have no where near as much counter space to store all our stuff, (when I say ‘we’, I mean the counter assistants) which kinda sucks, but it’s nice to have everything all pretty and new.
♥: Tired
♪: Lacuna Coil – Angel’s Punishment
A very belated Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
I spent all of the holidays ill. It started the day before Christmas eve, with extremely bad aches and pains (how I managed to soldier in to work is beyond me) and so I thought I was going to get flu, but it instead ended up just being a very bad cold that I’m only just now really getting over. It’s the first time in a while I’ve been that ill.
I did however on Christmas Eve, receive something in the post via special delivery. My certificate from NUCA. I left in March, and was ‘awarded’ my certificate mid September, so how it took 9/3 months (depending on how you look at it) for me to get this is beyond me. But I’m pleased I have at least something to show for my time at uni. I’ve also accumulated 180 course credit points, which I assume goes towards UCAS points should I ever decide to return to uni. These credit points put me in a comfortable position to get into universities, so I did heavily consider at one point returning to do a degree in Pharmacy. But right now, the cons outweigh the pros. The big one being being able to juggle anything, and I don’t want to put myself in a position where I feel I can’t cope again, and the secondary big factor is the fact that by the time I became a fully qualified Pharmacist (if I even got that far!) I’d be almost 30. I’d like to think at 30, I’d like to be taking life a little bit easier, maybe even settling down. So it would kind of be a waste really? Had things been different, I’d have loved to have done it. But we all wish things could be different. And I’m happy as I am, so why rock the boat? With that said though, I think I will get this certificate framed and hang it on my wall. It’s still something to be proud of!
The trip up the hospital was fine. I saw the specialist, but it was for dermatology. He had a good look at it, and confirmed it’s definitely some sort of pigmentation, and I’ve been referred to a plastic surgeon, who next Tuesday, is going to remove the toenail (cringe!!) and do a biopsy, and assuming all is well, they will glue my toenail back on. And I have to be awake for the whole thing. And the thought of that makes me feel sick, I’m not going to lie. It is a relief somewhat though that they are sending me to a plastic surgery, rather than to oncology, which leads me to think that they’re thinking it’s superficial, rather than something sinister.
Whilst I was at the hospital, I was also sent to the medical imaging department, where they took photos of my magic toe. That was… strange to say the least! I had to sign a waiver to give permission for the photos to be used for medical teaching, and also for my personal records. Which is cool. I’m almost a medical mystery! Sort of. But I will keep updating the progress on my magical toe.
Finally, I also found this photo of me whilst sifting through some old emails today. It was from summer 2006, so 4 and a half years ago. My hair was so cool! I sort of wish it was still like that. But I don’t have the time nor money to maintain styles like that anymore. Instead it’s just long and brown and boring and it makes me look old. And for some reason fringes just don’t work on me anymore.
I think I will dye my hair this week though, a nice reddy browny plum. Not a huge change, but enough that it’s hopefully noticeable.
Tomorrow I am meeting up with Freya, who I haven’t seen in almost a year. I am excited about this! I have so much to talk to her about. I’m also going to cruise the sales but this is probably a really bad idea as I have no money but I’ll probably splurge anyway.
♥: Tired
♪: Dido – Here With Me
These days, I don’t get much time to myself. This is evident by my lack of entries these days. So when I do get time to do things, I try to cram as many things in as I possibly can.
This includes the doctors too. I always feel like if I go to the doctors unless I’m actually dying, I’m wasting their time. Tuesday, I had a valid reason to go, so I whilst I was there I thought I’d enquire about my other little niggles.
One of them, which was actually on the bottom of my list. For the past 6 weeks or so, I’ve had this 2 black marks underneath my toenail on my right foot. I don’t remember knocking it, you’d have to knock it pretty hard I’d have thought to leave bruises, and I didn’t remember. Either way, I assumed it would either fade, or grow out. Neither had happened, so I thought it best to have it looked at.
Turns out, this was the most important thing.
My doctor looked at it. She then looked at it even closer. She then called another doctor to the room to look at it. They looked at each other, before the other doctor said to my one, that I should be referred. They used the ‘c’ word. Cancer.
I see a specialist at the hospital tomorrow. I really hope it is good news.
♥: Worried.
♪: Queen – Innuendo
With so much aggro going on with Ben last year, I don’t think I even mentioned that my brother had a little baby girl with his girlfriend. I think I’ve mentioned babysitting for her once about 6 months ago. Oops! This is why I need to start writing more often, I end up wittering on about the big, ranty picture, and forget about small details, such as becoming an auntie. 
But there you go…
Anyway! It was her first birthday yesterday. I was at work until closing so I wasn’t able to go to her birthday party. I bought her a little pink onesie though as a birthday gift (money is of the essence these days) so I was there in gift form, which is the most important part. I figured that whilst I wasn’t actually at her birthday, it is a good excuse to include a picture of me and her, taken about 3 months ago. She’s got incredible eyes!
And now, a rant.
I have become a square.
I’m not even joking. I have no social life, nobody to be sociable with, and my home life isn’t that exciting either. My days now basically consist of waking up, showering, eating, playing Animal Crossing for the DS, going to work, coming home, eating, playing Left 4 Dead, then going to bed. Repeat six more times, and then you have my week down to a T. I’m 21! This is a pretty sad life for a 21 year old. I mean, I don’t mind too much really because I’m quite happy in my own company.. but on paper it is pretty sad.
My 3 best friends don’t even live in Norwich anymore. One doesn’t even live in the same country. I work most evenings, and I don’t drink, so my other friends don’t really want to go out with me anymore. I guess I’m not fun if I’m not drunk and making a show of myself. I don’t really know anybody at work, outside of the pharmacy, and don’t even know how to make friends with other people at work, so I guess now is a good a time as any to try and ‘fix’ me and my confidence. Relationship wise, I think I’m happy to be alone right now. So I can focus on my career (something I thought I’d NEVER say!) , save up some money, do some of the stuff I want to do, and reevaluate things later on.
With that said though, I do have 10 days off at the beginning of November, so I’m going to take that opportunity to go see Toni in Bury. A mini adventure, if you will!
P.S I forgot to mention I have been at the pharmacy for 6 months now and I don’t totally hate it. So I may have found my calling! Plus I finally have my discount card. Sweet.
♥: Tired.
♪: Dan Balan – Johanna (Shut Up!)
I mostly work in the late afternoons and evenings, and so I often find myself in the company of daytime TV before going to work. With not that much to watch during the day, I often find myself watching Food Network – because who doesn’t like food? Food Network mostly shows American cooking shows, such as Iron Chef America and Barefoot Contessa, but it’s had a sudden influx of older UK programs, such as Saturday Cooks, and to my annoyance, Nigella Express. A few years back, everyone used to bum her so badly for her ’sexy’ methods of cooking. Define sexy. In my humble opinion she looks like a (slightly) less hairy version of Russell Brand, with an air of smugness and what I’d call a ‘toff mouth’ that just pours out verses of ‘look at me, look at me, look at me’, whilst eyeing up the camera and pretending to cook for all her friends (producers).
Upon trying to find a picture of Nigella at her absolute smugness, and using the keywords ‘Nigella Lawson smug’ in my keywords, I came across a fantastic article that sums up my dislike of Nigella to a tee and I’d like to share it with you. Credit to Ian at Pouring Beans for his article on his featured “Bint of the Month” – Nigella.
It would be easy for me to sit here and dismiss Nigella Lawson as the lemon-cooking, denim-jacket-wearing, shit-talking toff that she is and I think that seeing as I’ve nothing better to do I shall.
Nigella lives with her non-existent husband in what can only be described as the biggest house in Christendom. Her larder is bigger than our entire kitchen. Her daily life consists of taking taxis to and from Sainsburys before going home, cooking for five minutes (it is called ‘Nigella Express’ after all) and then spending the rest of the day sitting smugly in front of her laptop. Smug doesn’t even come close actually. She is unparalleled in her smugness almost to the point where I’d rather eat tulips than check to see if her nipples are showing through whatever piece of fancy free she’s decided to cook in today.
Anyone who can say things like “modestly bulging crescents” and “glorious mounds” clearly needs a huge slap.
Well, it gave me a good laugh. Though I never did find a smug looking photo of Nigella.
♥: Itchy.
♪: Pure Reason Revolution – The Bright Ambassadors of Morning.
Last Sunday was Emma’s leaving do, as she’s moving to Tokyo for a year. It was a bit daunting to begin with, as apart from her boyfriend, I was the only person there who wasn’t a family member. XD But all of her family were really nice and we had some yummy BBQ food and I hope that she felt that she had a good send off. I’m going to miss her when she’s in Japan, but with the medium of LJ, Twitter, Facebook etc. We should still be able to keep in touch well. Or at least I hope. 
On Thursday I had a HOT DATE. Well. A date, anyway. It was with a guy that I’ve been chatting with for a couple of months now, we seemed to click quite well and I found him attractive, so thought that it’d be nice to put myself ‘out there’, after the whole Ben situation. We went to see The Expendables (awesome movie btw, if you’re into action movies) and then for a few drinks after. He seems nice enough, and gave me a kiss and a hug upon meeting and leaving. I got a text from him the day after saying it was nice to meet me, but I’m doubtful anything will happen. But I’m fine with that. I’m just waiting now to see if he’ll bother to actually say whether or not he wants to pursue anything, because I would like to be friends with him regardless as he’s a pretty cool guy, but I won’t be fucking impressed if he just decides to ‘disappear’. I’m done with cowards. Plus it kinda hurts my feelings. Fair enough if you ain’t attracted to me, but to be a douche is just plain rude. I am expecting the latter, though. But it’d be his loss!
And to end this entry on a sad note… I found out last night that Michael Weston is not only off the market, but he’s recently got married. D: Like… last month recently. D: WEEP WITH ME WORLD, WEEP WITH ME.
♥: Bitchy
♪: Blaqk Audio – Between Breaths (an XX perspective)
When I was younger, about 6, I guess, my parents and I became acquainted with a lovely lady who lived down the road from our old house. She quickly became a close family friend, and was like a grandmother to me. She was getting on a bit, and lived alone, as her husband, Freddie, died many years before we got to know her. She never really got over his death, but she kept herself together as well as she could. She hated staying inside the house though, unless she had guests. I guess it held too many memories for her. She had osteoporosis, which often caused her much back ache, but she was still mobile, and was able to visit her friends (and us when we moved to where my parents live now), and she had a heart of gold.
She died when I was.. I dunno, 11, I guess. A couple of years before her death, she fell down the stairs in her house and badly damaged her back. I’d always assumed that after that, like what happens with many elderly people, it sets of a chain reaction of ill health and she eventually passed away.
Turns out, as I found out last night, this isn’t what happened.
Yes, she did fall down the stairs, that much is true. And in a way, I guess it did set off a chain reaction. She did badly damage her back, and this limited her ability to go out as much, and I think this got to her, and she overdosed. This wasn’t successful and she was hospitalised. My parents visited her at the hospital, and when my parents asked how she was feeling, she replied with “I want to be dead. I want to be with Freddie.” When she was released, she became even more withdrawn and depressed. She’d never leave the house, and when my parents (or anybody) would call her to see if they could visit her, she’d always make excuses and ask them not to come over. Eventually, she overdosed again. This time it was successful.
I don’t even know how we got onto the subject. but I went to bed shortly after and I wept. It was a shock to find this all out, I guess. I had absolutely no idea. Every year on my birthday and at Christmas she still sent me cards and money, and I always thanked her, and whilst I didn’t see her as much, it was clear her heart was still as golden as ever. I understand why my parents didn’t tell me at the time, how can you explain that to a kid, really? And in many ways, I’m glad I didn’t know. It would have broken my heart to know that she felt that way, and I’d feel so helpless to know that I couldn’t help her. With that said though, I also understand completely why she did it. It just doesn’t seem like ‘her’. I just really hope now that she is with Freddie now, and glad she is no longer suffering. I just really wish that I’d have been able to give her a hug, or hold her hand, knowing what I know now, so I can really “mean it”, when I did so.
This is one of the many stories that makes me fear old age, and makes me worried sick about my parents aging. I hope they’re never that unhappy.
Tomorrow is my only day off next week. I’ll try and update with something a little bit joyful next time.
♥: Sad
♪: 3OH!3 feat. Katy Perry – Starstrukk
So in my last entry I mentioned that I am completely over Ben, and don’t even feel sad or mourn the loss of our friendship anymore either, thats come at a perfect time, considering on Sunday, he finally blocked and deleted me from Facebook, and also removed me from Twitter.
And why did this happen?
Because somebody called him a cunt on Facebook, lololol.
Really though, talk about throwing his toys out of the pram. He’s got off very light in the past 9 months, I did a lot of damage control so as to not make the situation worse than it already is, and this is the first time somebody has insulted him where he could visibly see it, and quite frankly it was deserved. What does he expect, really? People to pat him on the head and tell him what a super special little boy he is? Okay, sure, I might never know now why he decided to just completely eradicate me from his existence, but at this point I don’t really care. I don’t think he has a valid reason, and that he is just a pathetic coward. I’m happy to see the back of him, that said though, I had to get the final word in…
Yeah, it’s immature and childish. But then again, so is he.
I’m pretty broke at the minute. My total income per month isn’t brilliant, and I can scrape by on that, but I’d like more. I figured this would be no problem as I could work enough hours on the checkouts in overtime to get a few more pounds in my pocket. However, when I went to sign up for overtime today, I was informed that they had just employed 15 new checkout workers and so there is literally no overtime, let alone the money I’d like to earn. Pharmacy overtime is due to fizzle out once the holiday season ends. An increase in hours is extremely unlikely as no staff are likely to leave. I can’t find another job as A) jobs are rare, B) I’ve only been at my current job for 3 months so that’d make me a dick to leave right now, C) I don’t think I’ve earnt enough credentials to get myself another pharmacy related job, and D) Any other jobs I’m interested in/capable of doing are likely to be pro-rata or employing on a shift based rota rather than the full 39 hours per week. I can’t get another job on top of the one I’m currently at because I work such complicated times, so really, I’m stuck. I can’t buy anything or improve anything on my flat for the foreseeable future. I’m also really worried, because I was depending on overtime to fund my unpaid holidays (another ‘perk’ of a new job), so I’m really worried about my rent for those months, plus other expenditures. How am I going to be able to afford Christmas presents for my family? How can I afford a coat for winter?
I really hope I can come up with an answer soon.
♥: Stressed
♪: !!! – There’s No Fucking Rules, Dude
Despite a massive entry about Ben and how I feel about the whole situation only 4 entries ago, I’ve kinda reached a milestone in changing how I feel about the situation. Instead of feeling hurt and upset and angry, I just kind of think he’s pathetic. He’s definitely changed from the person I knew. I see his tweets on twitter and they’re just so fake and he kind of acts like he’s some sort of graphic design celebrity. I also mentioned that he’s blocked me on msn and stopped me from seeing his wall/photos on Facebook, yet still keeps me added. One word: WHY?! I don’t care what he’s doing, infact I even suspected he “dumped” me for someone else, so it’d be no big shock if I saw that on Facebook. And to block me on msn is just dumb. Why not either delete me or just ignore me. I’m not interested in talking to him anyway? I get the impression he thinks he’s “well big” and “well clever” and “well manly”, but really he’s just a little boy. I realise now I’m much better off without him. Some things still definitely sting, but if anything, I’ve now learnt I don’t need to put up with shit in a relationship, because if they do hurt you, they’re going to do it even more in the long run. Nip it in the bud early and find somebody who will treat you right!
♥: Tired
♪: Third Realm – Medicated Machine