Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

People are fair-weather, cold, cruel and callous.

The less I have to do with them, the better.

♥: Blank.
♪: Schwarz Stein – Emergence of Silence

I just made a stupid mistake.

I switched on my old phone to find a text from somebody, and found the texts from Ben from when we first got together almost 2 years ago exactly. Now I can’t stop crying.

I wish I could figure out why he’s doing this. I miss him so much.

♥: Upset.
♪: The Mars Volta – Inertiatic ESP

I have succumbed to donning a pair of geek glasses; even if it is just to rip the piss out of everyone else wearing them. I’m not sure why they’re such a trend, to me they look comical more than anything. However, more importantly, how fantastically shaped is my eyebrow?

In other news, for the past two weeks I have been feeling nauseous, have constant indigestion (even when I haven’t eaten), headaches, feeling tired and occasionally being sick. At first I worried I could have been pregnant (which would have been a total pain in the ass considering my situation with Ben, which, by the way, has not improved.) but I did a test which came back negative, and on top of this, my kidneys began to hurt. So, I decided it was time to go to the doctors.

However, I never changed to a closer practice after moving house, as I knew I wouldn’t be here long, but because of the fact uni has early morning starts and my practise disallowing to pre-book appointments in advance (meaning you have to call on the day), getting an appointment hasn’t been easy. So I decided to try out the walk-in centre that recently opened in the city.

I was seen to very quickly (as in within 1 minute), but oh my God, the service is terrible. I explained my symptoms, and all she kept hounding me about was how I might be pregnant, despite telling her I had already done a test and it had returned negative. Her other offered opinions were food poisoning; which she suggested going on a fast of just apple juice and dry toast and see how I feel, or that I’m stressed, which I admit was highly likely, but her advice? See how I feel in a month, and if it gets too much, go back to my parents for a week. And on the way out, she asked me if I would like to take some condoms with me.

….:|

NO, I WOULD NOT LIKE SOME CONDOMS, THANKS. I WANT AN ACTUAL CONFIRMED DIAGNOSIS.

So after wasting my time in the walk-in centre, I went to my GP’s anyway. The walk-in centre was a waste of time and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone, unless you’re basically dying, in which case I suggest going to hospital.

It turned out, in the finish that I have Pyelonephritis, which is basically a kidney infection. I don’t seem to have much luck with my kidneys, huh? My GP never even mentioned pregnancy, or food poisoning, which just goes to show, really. Because I don’t know what caused my kidney stones yet, or what type of infection it is, I had to be put on broad spectrum antibiotics (which made me smile as it made me think of House, I’m such a loser) and on Friday I have to call up and see if the antibiotics given to me will cure the infection or whether I’ll need to start a new course of treatment.

…Suffice to say, lesson learnt! I hadn’t expected it to be a kidney infection, or associated with my kidneys at all, but it all kind of makes sense now. I think stress is still a big part of it, so after my infection clears I might go back to the doctors about that.

I’m hungry. I’ll go get food later. Maybe.

♥: Hungry.
♪: Pure Reason Revolution – Asleep Under Eiderdown

So I’m pretty pissed off right now.

Ben was leaving on Sunday, and I was supposed to be seeing him on the Friday for the final time before he left for Essex. For a few days before I was supposed to be seeing him, he had been in Wales visiting his brother, who was going  to drop him back reasonably close-ish to Norwich on the Friday, and then me and Ben would meet up. I text Ben whilst he was in Wales, nothing of relevence really, but considering I was supposedly his girlfriend at the time, it warrented a reply. Nothing. Which put me off bothering texting him anymore whilst he was in Wales, he obviously had no interest in talking to me. Didn’t hear anything from him until around 4:30pm on Friday saying he and his brother were delayed, but were on their way back, and we’ll go out to dinner when he gets back into Norwich. He texts me again at 7:30pm saying to meet up at 9:30pm. I was kind of disappointed that I was only seeing him for a few hours but still…

I go round there for 9:30pm, where he proudly announces that he had already eaten with his brother, and was too tired to go out. Myself, on the other hand, hadn’t eaten all day due to the fact Iwas under the impression we were supposed to be going for a meal. So how did we spend our last night together? Watching TV for 2 hours, before going to bed. He didn’t ask once if I was okay, even though I was visibly upset/angry about this.

He basically spent the morning packing stuff up and getting ready for work. I walked with him to work when he just gave me a kiss and said ‘See you soon’. There was no discussion about where the ground lies with us, no tenderness, no nothing. He was just so blasé about the whole thing entirely.

Since I last saw him, I haven’t heard anything from him. I know he’s been busy and it hasn’t been that long, but no texts, no nothing. Even though I tried texting him, he just ignored it. So.. I’m pretty much assuming that’s the way it’s going to be from now on. So much for always wanting me in his life, and to carry on being in contact with me. Because let’s face it… if he couldn’t be bothered to reply to a text whilst he was visiting his brother… couldn’t be bothered to put in any real effort for the last time I’m supposedly seeing him whilst he’s in Norwich… can’t be bothered in Essex, what bloody chance have I got?

Like always when it comes to him, I’ve come last. But that’s nothing new – I always have. It’s not like I’m asking for much, does it really take that long to reply to a text? To see how I’m doing? So much for being my best friend.

And yeah… I’m feeling pretty damn rejected. But again, that’s nothing new.

♥: Rejected.
♪: Pure Reason Revolution – Les Malheurs

Because I haven’t posted a picture of myself in a while, this is currently how I look.

Currently I am doing an all-work, no play with Uni work and I’ve offically burnt myself out and don’t want to do anymore. So a procrastinating entry ensues… and then I’ll have to start actually doing work again after. -____-

As of right now, this is my idea of a perfect night in:
 - One of my dad’s homemade tandoori curries and onion salad, watching crap on the telly.
- A nice hot bath with anything lavender in it.
- Slip into bed with a hot waterbottle and super cosy pjyamas.

Maybe I’ll treat myself to that once I get all my work done~!

♥: Procrastinating.
♪: Pure Reason Revolution – In the Realms of the Divine

The other day, I went downstairs to make some soup.

Two of my housemates are in the kitchen when I start to wash up a saucepan to use, one leaves and another starts using the cooker. I put the pan down to one side and start fiddling about with my food cupboard, patiently waiting for the other to finish cooking. Instead, he takes the saucepan he just saw me wash up, and starts cooking with it.

…:|

♥: Hungry
♪: Britney Spears – Oops! …I did it again.

So, at the end of September, I mentioned that Ben had cut me out, and I was devestated about it. I never mentioned what followed after that, and it’s conclusion, alas…

A very good friend of mine works with Ben, and he gave me the times of when Ben was next working, so I stopped by his place of work and basically asked him what was going on and why he cut me out. Obviously we couldn’t talk properly as he was meant to be working, but he was very apologetic, and what it all boiled down to basically is that he was getting extremely stressed out with the course he was doing and he took it out on me. Lo….  l. How sweet. Still, at this point I was so desperate to get him back in my life, I forgave him. We made arrangements to go to the cinema to see ‘The Invention of Lying’ the next day (Sun 4th Oct) and then went back to his place where we … “made up” properly, lol. Which also dispells my original thoughts that he was perhaps seeing somebody else.

A fortnight later, I offered to cook for him at mine and have him spend the night, and… I decided to bite the bullet and ask him if he wanted to get back on Monday 18th Oct. He told me that he was moving back to Clacton at the end of November, but even if it was for only a week that we were officially back together, he’d still want to do it. We had 6 weeks, so I thought it’d be enough, at least, and maybe even carry on seeing each other when he moved back to Clacton, which is only an hour and a half away from here, staying at weekends or something, until he starts his internship, assuming he gets it.

…Buuutt apparently not. Ben broke it to me yesterday that he leaves next week, to go back home. The long distance plan has also gone out of the window as he will be working full time, and basically won’t have the time to come up here and see me. And whilst if he gets the internship, he’ll be in Clacton until next summer, I’ll probably only see him a few times, if that, before he goes to Birmingham in which case it will be once or twice a year I see him. I knew he was going soon but…. our plan was that we had 3 weeks left. I know he can’t help work wanting him to start sooner, and it’s not his fault he can’t afford to carry on living in Norwich, and I certainly don’t want to hold him back on his career, but it just feels so unfair. I get him back, and we finally get our relationship back on track, and now he’s going again, and it feels like it’s me who’s the only one missing out.

He says he always wants me in his life, and he’s not interested in anyone else… but I’ve heard it all before. If he can ignore me when he’s in Norwich, what the hell am I meant to do when he’s in Clacton or Birmingham? It’s not like I can go visit him at work and ask what’s going on, and I dunno. Releastically we cannot carry on seeing each other now, and it’s not fair to ask him wait around for me until theres a time when we can work out, but I just don’t want to give him up. I know I have many other great friends, but he is my best friend and he’s also my boyfriend, and i didn’t realise until now that I do love him.

I know they say everything happens for a reason, and if we’re “meant to be”, then we’ll sort it out at a later date and we will be. He says no other girl will ever compare to me and whilst I agree whole heartedly… I dunno. I’m not feeling so confident.

I just wish this entry had a happier ending.

♥: Glum
♪:  RYONAI feat. BLF - Vinet

Thank you, truely, Russian spammers for the almost 2k of spam comments you’ve clogged my inbox with in less than a week. Nothing makes my day more than removing all your shitty comments.

I had a small wish fulfilled yesterday; a guy stopped me in the street and asked me for my number! I’ve always wanted to be pretty enough to be approached by a stranger (in a non rapish way). Pity he’s not my type, lol. D: I still gave him my number… because basically I didn’t know what to do/or say haha. Now he keeps texting me. :/ My bad!

My lip is currently really sore. It’s become irritated and I had a massive amount of pus come out of it on Monday. D: It’s settling down now, but it’s still quite tender. But anyway… LOOK WHAT ARRIVED ON MONDAY!

MAKE UP. \o/

So, in spirit of this, I feel a meme on my make-up is in order, as it’s somewhat happier than my entries of angst.

This is the make-up  bag I’m currently using; it was a gift from Emma from her trip to Japan. The brand is ‘Swimmer’, which I believe is a popular brand over there.

Et voilá! The contents. Keep in mind though that it’s not all worn in one go…

FACE – 01 – 04.
o1. Rimmel “Hide The Blemish” Concealer – ‘Natural Beige’
o2. Maybelline “Dream Matte Mousse” Foundation – ‘Cameo’
o3. Too Faced – Kabuki blusher brush.
o4. Too Faced “Brightening Blushes” Blush – ‘Papa Don’t Peach’

EYES – o5 – 14.
o5. Rimmel “Profesional” Eyebrow Pencil – ‘Hazel’
06. Rimmel “Colour Rush” Eyeshadow – ‘Moonstone’ (used as a browbone highlighter)
o7. Too Faced “Galaxy Glam” Eyeshadow – ‘Super Nova’
08. Collection 2000 “Colour Intense Solo” Eyeshadow – ‘Gold Digger’ (used as a cheek highlighter)
o9. Rimmel “Glam’Eyes Lash Flirt” Mascara – ‘Kohl Black’
1o. Rimmel “Exaggerate” Liquid Eyeliner – ‘100% Black’
11. Rimmel “Soft Kohl Kajal” Eye Pencil – ‘Jet Black’ (water & lash line)
12. Too Faced “Foiled Liners” Eye Penchil – ‘Black Beauty’ (outer eyes only)
13. Too Faced – Eyeshadow blending brush
14. Too Faced “Shadow Insurance” Primer

LIPS – 15 – 20.
15. Too Faced “Lip Injection Extreme” Lip Plumper – ‘Iridescent White’ (I expect lips like Angelina Jolie in a month)
16. Rimmel “1000 Kisses Stay On” Lip Liner – ‘Indian Pink’
17. Too Faced “Lip of Luxury” Lipstick – ‘Marcia Marcia Marcia’ (My favouritest lipstick in the world; boxed & unboxed)
18. Too Faced “Mirror Mirror” Lip Gloss – ‘Don’t Hate Me…’
19. Too Faced “Love Lisa Luxury” Lip Balm
20. Too Faced “Sparkler Glamour” Gloss – ‘Pink Disco’

MISCELLANEOUS – 21 – 22.
21. Estee Lauder – ‘Sensuous’ Perfume
22. Rimmel “Lyrca Pro” Nail Varnish – ‘Blue Vogue’

I would have perhaps posted some pics of my new clothes and purchases too, but WordPress is pissing me off. :U

♥: Uncomfortable.
♪: Britney Spears – Gimme More

I am in shock, hysterical and heartbroken.

Ben done a Chris on me.
The ignoring thing – clearly a warm up. The “I’m busy” excuse? I’m expecting he’s seeing somebody else and he’s too much of an immature, spineless pussy to tell me to my face. He has deleted his Facebook altogether, removed me from his twitter list, presumably blocked me on msn and is either keeping his phone off, or switched number. MUCH more srs biz than Chris. The worst part is, I think I pushed him to it. I sent him a text this morning saying either stop ignoring me and let me know what the fuck is going on, or I’ll do a Chris on him. I left for uni at 8:50am. I return home at 6:00pm, during which time I did stop by his house (no answer and in case you think I am a bunny boiler; it’s the first time in the month of him ignoring me I’ve done this) and also tried to call him – to which his phone has either been off, or it rings once and then he diverts my calls. I return him to see he’s removed me from everything – he beat me to it.

He Chris’d me.

I went downstairs to my housemate, Natalie’s room, and as soon as she opened her door I just burst out crying; crying on her shoulder for about 5 minutes before I could even stop for long enough to tell her what had happened. I just cannot believe he would be so callous as to do this. After all he has put me through, I’ve still stuck by him, for the past two years he has been my best friend, my lover and my ex boyfriend. I never got the oppourtunity to tell him I wanted to get back together. Guess this gives me all the answers I ever would have needed.

I just cannot believe he went this far. I can understand that if he had met somebody, he knew I’d have kicked off, and I can’t lie, I would have, especially after realising I wanted to get back together. But it’s no reason to end our friendship, I would have got over it in time. We’ve always been up and down. He was mentally abusive, a user, a cheat. I was paranoid, jealous, a mental wreck, but we were always good together. Just never good enough for him. I could never get over what he put me through, because I could never get over him.

My parents picked me up, I am currently at theirs as I didn’t want to be alone. I cried on the way home. I cried all night. I’m crying now. I’ll probably cry myself to sleep tonight, and he’ll sleep without a second thought to me.

On top of everything else that has happened, I feel like I have sunk to the lowest low. He knew everything that was happening, he knew about my dad, he knew about me struggling at the house, he knew I wanted to talk to him, he knew what Chris had done to me. He kicked me when I was down and left me wondering how the hell I am ever going to pick myself up from all these blows.

I’d like to think in a month or so, after some distance maybe he’ll get in touch. I might not get him back as my boyfriend but I still want him in my life because now I feel empty, sick and scared. I know he was awful to me, and I know he’s still awful for doing this now and I know he doesn’t care, but if he did still want to talk now… I’d probably listen.

♥: Inconsolable.
♪: -