So, at the end of September, I mentioned that Ben had cut me out, and I was devestated about it. I never mentioned what followed after that, and it’s conclusion, alas…
A very good friend of mine works with Ben, and he gave me the times of when Ben was next working, so I stopped by his place of work and basically asked him what was going on and why he cut me out. Obviously we couldn’t talk properly as he was meant to be working, but he was very apologetic, and what it all boiled down to basically is that he was getting extremely stressed out with the course he was doing and he took it out on me. Lo…. 
l. How sweet. Still, at this point I was so desperate to get him back in my life, I forgave him. We made arrangements to go to the cinema to see ‘The Invention of Lying’ the next day (Sun 4th Oct) and then went back to his place where we … “made up” properly, lol. Which also dispells my original thoughts that he was perhaps seeing somebody else.
A fortnight later, I offered to cook for him at mine and have him spend the night, and… I decided to bite the bullet and ask him if he wanted to get back on Monday 18th Oct. He told me that he was moving back to Clacton at the end of November, but even if it was for only a week that we were officially back together, he’d still want to do it. We had 6 weeks, so I thought it’d be enough, at least, and maybe even carry on seeing each other when he moved back to Clacton, which is only an hour and a half away from here, staying at weekends or something, until he starts his internship, assuming he gets it.
…Buuutt apparently not. Ben broke it to me yesterday that he leaves next week, to go back home. The long distance plan has also gone out of the window as he will be working full time, and basically won’t have the time to come up here and see me. And whilst if he gets the internship, he’ll be in Clacton until next summer, I’ll probably only see him a few times, if that, before he goes to Birmingham in which case it will be once or twice a year I see him. I knew he was going soon but…. our plan was that we had 3 weeks left. I know he can’t help work wanting him to start sooner, and it’s not his fault he can’t afford to carry on living in Norwich, and I certainly don’t want to hold him back on his career, but it just feels so unfair. I get him back, and we finally get our relationship back on track, and now he’s going again, and it feels like it’s me who’s the only one missing out.
He says he always wants me in his life, and he’s not interested in anyone else… but I’ve heard it all before. If he can ignore me when he’s in Norwich, what the hell am I meant to do when he’s in Clacton or Birmingham? It’s not like I can go visit him at work and ask what’s going on, and I dunno. Releastically we cannot carry on seeing each other now, and it’s not fair to ask him wait around for me until theres a time when we can work out, but I just don’t want to give him up. I know I have many other great friends, but he is my best friend and he’s also my boyfriend, and i didn’t realise until now that I do love him.
I know they say everything happens for a reason, and if we’re “meant to be”, then we’ll sort it out at a later date and we will be. He says no other girl will ever compare to me and whilst I agree whole heartedly… I dunno. I’m not feeling so confident.
I just wish this entry had a happier ending.
♥: Glum
♪: RYONAI feat. BLF - Vinet