2 hours and 40 minutes until I can play the elusive UT3 demo.
Not only can I play it, but I can play it on our brand new PC, complete with a quad-core motherboard, and brand spanking new GeForce/nVidia card. I don’t remember which one it is, exactly, but in other words, I’m able to play this demo with all the settings up full. Yeaaaaahhhh. As far as I’m concerned, my involvement in “the drama” is over, things are cool between me and the people who concern me, and I’m also eating my first lunch since I got ill. Win.

However that’s where my happiness ends. The more I think about this upcoming open day, the more panicy I get about it. Like I said, I don’t know why I’m even bothering. I won’t get the grades, I’ll mess up my interview, and my portfolio (and all of my photography) is shit. If, by some stroke of luck, I do manage to get the grades and get in, I’ll probably struggle (as I’m not academically smart) and drop out and leave myself with a ton of debts that I’ll never be able to pay off because I’m too crap for work, and basically, yeah, I’m having a mid-life crisis at 18.

I don’t know what I want out of life. I’m either not willing to work for things, or I deem stuff ‘not good enough’ for me. I’m only average at photography, and I certainly doubt I could make a career out of it, or working in media. I’m too self-conscious to work in tv/film, and the thought of doing anything else, frankly, bores me. And that’s just work, the stuff that doesn’t even bother me much. I’m also completely and utterly convinced I’m going do die old and alone, having never experienced marraige and/or kids, because I’ll never, ever settle for anybody. Anybody I want is either out of my league, beyond my reach, too ugly or just not what I’m looking for. Yes, maybe I am asking for too much, but is it so bad that I want my ideal person? BUUUUUUUUUUUH. That bums me out more than anything. I’m going to be a SPINSTER. Also, I want to leave Norwich, but scared I won’t be able to cope on my own. I can’t afford London, and Scotland seems too far/away and scary. I just… don’t know my place anymore. Why I’m on this planet. What I’m supposed to be doing. I’m pretty sure I’m not supposed to be on this planet to snap at people and constantly feel like shit, that’s for certain.

Also I’m grumpy/weird/upset because I pushed away the person I care about the most and I think I’ve pushed them too far away and now I’ll never get them back and it honestly feels as if part of me is missing.

Also, I’ve decided I’m the fugliest person in the world. Yes.

K. Rant over, but it is genuinely how I feel.

2 hours and 16 minutes.

EDIT: I did NOT just spend 4 fucking hours downloading the UT3 demo, to have the download box just shut down when it was (allegedly) completed, and then have fucking nothing to show for it. Stupid shitty laptop. Stupid shitty vista. STUPID SHITTY LIFE. 

♥: I don’t bloody know.
♪: TWO-MIX – Silent Cruising

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