I saw Ben yesterday, and I think it’s safe to conclude things are coming to an end.
I gave him his birthday presents (from nearly a month ago… just goes to show how often I see him really, and you could argue whether or not he deserves them, but I want him to have them) and watched a movie. He just kind of acted as if nothing was different, almost oblivious to the fact that it was the last time we would see each other for the next month and a half. As I got up to leave, I told him as I tried not to get emotional that I’m doing this to fix things, and fundamentally we were okay and good together, but all he could say was “I’m not Mystic Meg, I can’t predict the future.” Which… sums up his enthusiasm for the relationship really.
It won’t be the last time I see him, he lent me a DVD which I didn’t ask for, I think it was to say “I’ll be needing to see you again to get this back, so this isn’t goodbye forever” type of thing, but I am not feeling optimistic about things, and currently feel stupid for putting my all into a relationship in which he was giving half. I also feel pretty dumb for thinking there was only a minor flaw in our relationship, when actually it was much more broken and I feel as if nothing I can do can piece it back together. Some people may say it’s time to let go, and that I should have done sooner, but… I just can’t. Without sounding like a bunny boiler, I just don’t want to be without him. The thought of him getting over it and being with someone else makes me feel physically sick. I reason that a little bit of hurt has got to be better than the pain of finishing with him fully.
I don’t know. It’s not a definitive break up, and he’s probably not being upbeat to get my hopes up incase he decides otherwise, but I’m not holding my breath.
♥: Crushed.
♪: Pure Reason Revolution – In Auriéla
I imagine it’s difficult, cause he was your first major one, yeah?
But what birthday fiasco? What happened?
And the whole “dvd” thing, yeah thats a way of assuring you he’ll see you again. Especially if it’s a dvd he likes.
Jemi:
Yeah, he was.
Cutting a long story short, it was his birthday last month and during the whole day he didn’t bother to contact me (despite sending him happy birthday texts etc), and spent the night out with all of his friends and I didn’t recieve an invite. Shows how much I’m wanted eh?